Darkness

Darkness

The black cloud in your head won’t go away on its own

the darkness feeds on your need for love,

And you wonder…

How is something so pure, such as love, ruining the very depths of you that at one point were the most promising good parts of you

Love is patient. Is that why you need it now?

Love is kind. Is that why you just lied to get out of physical connection one more time?

The heart to heart connection is what you crave

And you really think lust will owe you that

The darkness won’t leave

The darkness won’t starve to death

The darkness will starve until it overtakes you,

Killing the hope left in your mind,

Killing the love left in your heart,

Until all that’s left is the constant need for validation from those you know can’t give it to you

Find yourself

You lost it back there

Find it

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It’s in you.

It’s in you.

In consideration of the recent events this week, I find it important to talk about the serious things, the depressing things, the things no one wants to hear but knows they need to.

50+ people dead, 500+ more injured.
Yet, when I heard it, it didn’t surprise me as much as it should’ve. Sure, it disturbed me. But haven’t we all kind of grown to get use to things like this a bit?
And isn’t that sad?

We’ve all heard about it. And while I find it important to talk about, I’m tired of talking about it. Because you know what I see a lot of that isn’t talked about enough around times like this?
Love. And care. And people who just want to help.

A lot of heroes, a lot of silent heroes. A lot of people who risked their life or GAVE their life in order to protect someone they love, even if that someone was a complete stranger.

And the people all across the United States, who pray or send positive vibes or give blood or donate money or fly across the country to help those who are affected.

Not even just for terrorism, but also for the natural disasters people don’t foresee, or didn’t foresee it being this bad.

Even for things that are happening daily that a lot of us forget about, like hunger, homelessness, sexual assault, domestic violence, child trafficking, amongst other things.

I hear too many people say, when these depressing topics are brought up, “but there’s nothing I can do”. How untrue that statement is. Yes, you’re one person. But look at all the well known heroes throughout history. They were just one person. And you’re no different from them, except that you haven’t found that burning light inside of you yet.

Do you want to help people? Lack of finances doesn’t need to be an excuse. You can help by donating your time. And yes, we’re all busy.. but put yourself in their shoes for a second.

Love in any way you know how. In EVERY way you know how. Love by donating time, love by donating money, by donating blood, by donating clothes you don’t wear anymore, even by smiling at strangers, by sincerely asking how someone is, by paying for the coffee behind you in the drive thru, by checking up on those people you love but have been withdrawn lately.

There are many ways to love. Love will always shine brighter than hate, and if you look around, you’ll see it. Find it in yourself.

If you find yourself lacking the funds to personally be a financial help, I’ll leave a link below where you can find places you can simply volunteer your time in your area.

https://www.volunteermatch.org/

 

Be the light. Be the love. Be the hope. Don’t give up.

I just wrote a very long post about toxic people and toxic things, and the importance of getting it out of your life.

But I erased it, and will just leave this:

 

You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t need to have things or people in your life that are toxic to you. You can love without being a pleaser. You can care without being taken advantage of. You don’t owe an explanation. It’s your life, and nobody walks your walk. Don’t allow negative vibes to constantly enter in.. If you do, negative vibes will be flowing out.

PSA

PSA

If you notice someone in your life is being quieter than usual, or angrier than usual, or more negative than usual, or just simply withdrawn in a way you can’t explain, reach out. Just do it.

I wish more people would do this. I get that life gets in the way, I get that you’re busy, I get that maybe you don’t even pay close enough attention to notice, but if you notice, just check up on them. Ask how they are. Don’t be pushy about it, but maybe be honest about what you’ve noticed and say that you’re there.

Sometimes people just need to know they’re supported and loved, and that they have someone to run to IF they decide they need someone.

That is all.

 

#worldsuicidepreventionday

Self love

Self love

It almost seems like a trend recently to talk about and practice self love. Honestly, I love this trend. I’m finding self love to be more and more important as life gets busier and more is added to my plate. It’s something I’ve put on the bottom of my list for a long time, possibly my entire life.

My husband and I had a car ride conversation recently (and really those are my favorites because it seems to be some of the only conversation that goes mostly uninterrupted because the kids are strapped in their seats being busy hitting each other), and somehow we got talking about how hard it is to stick up for ourselves. When someone is rude to me, or offends me, or just simply doesn’t care about my feelings, I tend to stay quiet and act as if I don’t notice or don’t care. My entire life I’ve been told I’m an easy target because I’m “too nice”. My husband, coincidentally, is the same way (except for when it’s from each other – then we might stick up for ourselves a little too much. ha!)

Not only that, but we also talked about how it seems that we’re both the type of people to stand up for others, instantly without a thought about it. There are several times I remember standing up for others who I thought were getting taken advantage of or were being treated unfairly. From a sibling to a random waitress I’d never met before – if  I see someone getting treated poorly and unfairly by somebody else, I usually step up (and if I don’t, I regret it every time I think of that instance).

So why is this? I hope you all don’t take this the wrong way but you probably will, and I honestly don’t mean any harm or offense by it, but sometimes I blame how I interpret the bible. Not that I’ve studied up on this subject particularly, but the verses that stuck out to me most in the bible (at least a couple of them) were either about “turning the other cheek” when someone mistreats me, or “speaking up for the poor and helpless”. I’m not saying that’s what the bible intends is for us to just sit back and let people treat us like crap while we stand up for people treating others like crap, but subconsciously that’s how I interpreted it. As did a couple other people I’ve talked to about this.

But no longer am I willing to sit back and let people take advantage of how “nice” I am. It’ll take practice and probably a long time before I speak up as much as I should, but it’s a new self love tactic I want to use. Because not standing up for myself is exhausting and depressing and miserable. Because I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought to myself “well that is highly unnecessary. why are they better than me? why are they able to treat me this way?”

So yes, I approve of this self love trend for inspiring me to realize my worth and realize I shouldn’t be on the bottom of the list. I am important, my feelings are important, my mind is important, and the way people treat me is important.

Anger

Anger

Most who know me would probably say I'm a happy person in general. There's a mask I've had on for the last couple years, and the last couple months is the worst of it. My life has been great, I count myself blessed. I have people I love who also love me, I have a roof over my head, and those things alone are enough to be thankful. But there's a lot under the surface.

Under the surface lies a lot of hurt, worry, bitterness, and anger. Every day is a struggle to not just say "screw it" and give up on my motto of remaining positive.

My life isn't perfect. And sometimes people hurt you and sometimes those people are ones who you love the most, and ones who are supposed to walk next to you throughout the pain in your life, not be the culprit.

There are a lot of days where I wake up and just stare. There are a lot of times someone is talking to me and I don't hear a word they say because I'm too caught up in the thoughts. Or I'm caught up in nothing. I didn't know until the last few months what it meant to think about nothing. But I've realized that when you're hurt enough, thinking about nothing is common.

And I'm tired of being a positive person. I'll admit that. Sometimes things just really suck and you don't see hope in the future. And even writing this I want to excuse myself and explain that I'm not saying everything sucks. Obviously I have a lot of joyful things in my life, exhibit A being my kids. But no, I shouldn't need to explain that and I'm tired of explaining myself all the time. I'm also tired of letting people walk all over me.

So that's all. I'm here to say sometimes life sucks and hopefully it'll get better.

Enough

Enough

We all have the days of thinking we aren’t cut out for this parenting gig. Whether your kids are young, teenagers, or adults, feelings of failure just pop up every now and then. We get frustrated, lash out, wallow in parenting guilt, apologize, and tell ourselves we’ll be better next time. Or we have the days where we give the kids the easy meals (you know, cheerios in a baggy, PB&J, frozen chicken nuggets), and let them watch tv for way longer than we’re willing to admit. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m almost certain it’s not.

Or maybe your child(ren) are adults and you see them hurting, trying and failing, getting lost in things they shouldn’t, and you wonder if you did something wrong to allow this to happen. You think you should’ve prepared them better, that maybe if you did XY&Z, this wouldn’t have happened.

We just all feel like crappy parents sometimes.

My parents did a freaking amazing job at raising me and my six siblings. I’m honestly amazed when I think back to childhood and can now see troubles they faced, things that must have been so stressful to them, and yet I don’t remember once being stressed. I also remember the lazy days of snacks as meals and movie days. I remember my mom declaring game day over school (some of my favorite days) and we’d all be so excited. In reality though, I bet sometimes she just needed a break from me spelling the word “cooperate” wrong a dozen times or not understanding fractions for the life of me. 

My point in that little snippet of my parents and siblings is that it reassures me that I know I have the best parents anyone could ask for since I know that things have never been perfect. There were off days, there have been dramatic, heart shattering things happen in my family. And I hope my parents never think they weren’t or aren’t good parents or that anything that has happened in our (my siblings and I) lives is due to their parenting, especially choices we made personally. 

I look at this and try to give myself the same break. Life can be hard. Parenting can be hard. My kids are still young, and I’ll have many days ahead of feeling less than perfect, less than okay. There will be things I can’t foresee happen, there will be things that make me question everything. But I’m the best parent to my kids. You’re the best parent to yours. This parenting gig doesn’t come with a manual no matter how much we wish it did. We have these little humans to raise to the best of our ability. We have off days, they have off days.. But as long as we try our best, pour love into their hearts, speak hope and strength to them along with the truth they need, we are doing our best. You are doing your best. And if you’re my mom or anything like her, I guarantee you that’s enough. More than enough. Actually incredible and you’re kind of supermom.